Happy Fall everyone! Change is in the air, wouldn’t it be great if you knew what your friends, family, and clients were thinking as we head into the last part of 2024? How would it feel if your friends, family, and clients asked you what you were thinking about going into the last part of the year? What if they asked you if there was anything they could do to help you? Support your challenges? Help celebrate your wins? Made you feel great about your failures? Validated your frustrations, made you feel heard and made you feel safe for sharing? And what if in doing this, they helped you solve problems faster, with less stress, more clarity, and confidence? How do these questions make you feel? Who would you love to talk to and get these answers from AND they get these answers from you? Next, notice what I DIDN’T ask!

Why did those questions feel good? Why did you pick the person or people to ask the questions above? Why do you want to feel less stress? Why do you want help? Why would being supported feel good? How do the "why" questions feel? Do they feel like you are now defending yourself? Does defending your answers feel good? Do they make you want to share more answers? Of course not! My point… Don’t ask "why" questions. The answers to why someone wants something are the most important thing to know. The why drives our motivations, beliefs, and most importantly, our actions. However, we have to earn the right to know someone’s why. You have to ask "what" questions first: what is important? What do you want? Then "how" questions: how do you picture it looking? How can I help? Then "who/when" questions: who do you want help from? Or when do you want this done by? By doing this, you learn someone's why without asking the "why" questions. When you learn why someone wants and needs something without them ever having to defend themselves, they feel supported and safe. Wouldn’t you?

Try this: don’t ask any "why" questions for a day. Here’s an easy example. How many times a day do you want to ask someone, “Why did you do that?” Now they have to defend their action. Instant bad energy, right? What if instead you asked, “What outcome were you hoping to achieve?” Stop! Listen to the answer. Next question, “How do you think it will turn out?” Stop! Really listen. Next question, “Who benefits from that action?” Again, stop! Listen. No matter what they say, do you think you have a better idea of their thought process and why they did what they did? Will those answers be more genuine and real? Do you sound more understanding, caring, and interested? It does take an extra couple of minutes to do this version. Is the relationship worth an extra 2 minutes?

Many times we don’t know why we did something. So when we get asked why, we start making up an answer because we want to look good and be right. It’s our built-in programming. There is an added benefit to NOT asking why questions: it helps the brain slow down enough to process WHY we do things.

Extra credit: don’t assume you know what someone means when they give you an answer to a common statement. Go three questions deep on that common statement and you will get much, much more clarity on what that answer really means to them. Example: someone says, “I want to make more money.” What we really NEED to know is WHY they want to make more money. If we ask, “Why do you want to make more money?” They switch from action to defense, from dreaming to defending. If we assume we know what making more means, we may start spouting off suggestions and have no idea what that statement means to them. We assume they want what we want. WRONG!

Go three deep on that statement: what needs to happen so you make more money? How much more do you want to make? When do you want to be making (enter the amount)? From those answers, do you have a better idea of what that statement really means to them? Now the question that gives you the why without asking why: “What would that do for you if you achieved this goal?” They are not having to defend their answer. They feel heard, safe, and supported. The HOW or WHO they need to move forward is much clearer. Do you think that extra 2 minutes will pay dividends with this person for years to come? It usually does. At minimum, it keeps the energy positive and that always feels better than being in defense mode.

1. Avoiding “Why” Questions: Asking "why" can make people feel defensive, which might not yield genuine responses. Instead, focusing on “what” and “how” questions helps people articulate their needs and motivations without feeling like they have to justify their actions.

2. Understanding Through Other Questions:
What: Helps identify goals and intentions. For example, asking “What outcome were you hoping to achieve?” opens a conversation about the goals and intentions behind actions.

3. Benefits of Avoiding “Why” Questions:

4. Practical Application: Instead of asking “Why did you do that?” which puts someone on the defensive, ask questions like “What were you hoping to achieve?” This approach fosters understanding and provides insight into their thought process.

5. Extra Credit Tip: To gain deeper understanding, go three questions deep. For instance, if someone wants to make more money, ask about specifics, the amount, the timeline, and what achieving that goal would mean for them.

By asking the right questions, you not only help others articulate their thoughts and needs but also build stronger, more empathetic relationships. This approach can lead to better problem-solving and support, and ultimately create more positive interactions.

Want to practice? Have more questions? Want help with your why? Call, text, or email me if I can help. Chris@pappalardoteam.com, 336-525-1289.

Next month’s lesson: Become a great asker. Learn to ask for what you want. None of us are mind readers; we will help you, BUT you have to ask!